I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you freedom, so I logged my forty hours week after week without giving you much thought. I told myself I’d focus on you on the weekends, but by then you weren’t on my mind. I was busy doing what I deserved to escape the long weeks, but I told myself I’m doing this to be closer to you one day.
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you creativity. I was too focused on doing things right and avoiding mistakes, so I didn’t allow myself to explore my curiosities or create freely.
I’m done being sorry. I’m taking my freedom back, even more, I’m taking my life back. I no longer want to be held by your golden shackles. I’ve chased the newest cars, the latest fashions and trends and those things no longer bring me joy. Though you no longer bring me joy, you’ve always brought me comfort. You allowed me to be confident, gave me a sense of security and what I once called my purpose in life. I felt like I mattered. You were consistent, and I loved it, but maybe you were a little too consistent.
I’ve tried running from you many times. At first, just for a few days. Then, I built up the confidence to escape you weeks at a time. Even when you weren’t there I never fully left you because you would always find a way to hijack my mind. It didn’t matter the time of day or what activity I did, you would find a way back in.
With each escape I told myself I wouldn’t go back to you, I shouldn’t go back to you, but time after time I returned. With each return you felt a bit unfamiliar at first, but it never took me long to settle back into your grip.
We shared a lot of history you and I. I’ve had my eye on your since I was a young girl. Some would call it destiny, I knew we’d end up together. I just didn’t know what role we’d both take. Would you be that passion they’ve always talked about where it never mattered how much time went by? Would you be the guard and I the prisoner, always longing to escape? Or would we just tolerate each other understanding the purpose we both serve for one another?
I truly feel lost without you, despite you always weighing me down. What will I even do if I quit now? How do I explain myself to the world? “You don’t work? Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Has the job market been tough on you?” “No? You don’t work by choice? What do you do all day long? Good for you but, I couldn’t do that. I’d be completely bored”
Yea, but that’s kind of the point. I’d rather be bored than presurred, to be lazy, to work towards something, to travel, to stay home, to see my family or be alone, the point is I’m free to choose. I get to decide my worth and focus on living life to its fullest on my own agenda. I may not have the rest of my time planned out but I’m ready to figure it out. Freedom, creativity, time, happiness I wasn’t enough for you then but I’m enough for you now. Will you have me?
I’m not ready to quit my job just yet, but I have a buddy who is, so this is my ode to leaving work to enter the real world again. Who cares if it works out, who cares if you fail. Having regret and no time left is worse that trying something and not suceeding. Here’s to the next chapter of your life!